You may not pay for a fifty-cent item with only pennies.

Citizens may not publicly remove bandages.

In British Columbia, it is illegal to kill a sasquatch.

In New Brunswick, driving on the roads is not allowed.

In Montreal, you may not swear in French.

Also in Montreal, citizens may not relieve themselves or spit on the street. Punishable by a fine of over 100 Canadian dollars.

In Beaconsfield, it is considered an offense to have more than two colors of paint on your house.

In Toronto, you can't drag a dead horse down Yonge St. on a Sunday.

The city of Guelph is classified as a no-pee zone.

The Sphinx cat, bred from a Canadian mutation, is virtually hairless and has a damaged spine which results in a hopping walk.

The crop pigeon is bred with an over-sized crop and absurdly long feathers on its feet. The crop can't be cleaned naturally and the bird finds walking difficult.

Position canaries are bred to resemble the figures 1 and 7. Parts of their bodies are featherless and their overstretched tendons mean they shift continually from foot to foot.

The munchkin cat has short hind legs and three-inch front legs. It can barely jump, can't groom itself and suffers from premature aging of its long spine.

A German breed of lop-eared rabbit has ears as long as its body, making walking difficult.

Persian cats are bred to have 'piggy' faces. The nose is little more than a stump.

The shar pei, a dog designed in the U.S. from a Chinese strain, is bred for its wrinkles.

Mutant goldfish are deliberately bred with large growths on their faces.

Gotmaar Festival (India, September) - On the day after the September full moon, the 45,000 residents of Pandhura divide themselves into two groups and hurl rocks at each other until sunset when the fighting ends.

Moose-Dropping Festival (Alaska, July) - The town of Talkeetna is host to an annual celebration of moose-droppings.
Stalls sell jewelry and assorted knick-knacks made from moose-droppings. The highlight of the celebration is the moose-dropping-throwing competition, where competitors throw gold-painted moose-droppings into a target area.

Cheese-Rolling (U.K., May) - At 6 p.m. on Spring Bank Holiday Monday, local youths line up at the top of the hill alongside a 7 pound circular Double Gloucester cheese. When the cheese is released, the competitors hurtle down the hill in an attempt to catch it before it reaches the bottom.

Grandmother's Festival (Norway, July) - First held at Bodo in 1992, the festival sees grannies riding motorbikes, racehorses, skydiving and scuba-diving. The star of the inaugural event was 79-year-old Elida Anderson who became the world's oldest bungee jumper.

La Tomatina (Spain) - This festival dates back to 1944 when the fair at Bunol was ruined by hooligans hurling tomatoes at the procession. Now each year the town stages a 90-minute mass fight with 190,000 pounds of ripe tomatoes.

Running of the Sheep (U.S., September) - Reedpoint, Montana, stages a gentle alternative to Spain's famous Running of the Bulls. Each September hundreds of sheep charge down Main Street for six blocks. Contests are held for the ugliest sheep and prettiest ewe while shepherds assemble to recite poetry.

NICE, France - A Frenchwoman became both bride and widow during a wedding ceremony in which she married her dead boyfriend. Dressed in a black suit, Christelle Demichel tied the knot with the deceased groom, a former policeman identified as Eric, who was killed by a drunk driver in September 2002. Demichel told LCI television she understood "it could seem shocking to marry someone who is dead," but her feelings for him had not diminished. His body was not present for the ceremony. A marriage like this is legal if the living spouse can prove the couple had planned to marry before the other died. The exchange of vows received authorization from President Jacques Chirac. The ceremony was performed Tuesday at Nice City Hall on the French Riviera.

Long before St. Valentine lived, this time of year had strong links with fertility. February 14 is the day that birds traditionally pick their mates. This may be why so many customs developed in connection with new love on this particular date.

February 15 was when the Roman festival of Lupercalis - the Wolf - took place. Young men would hold a lottery to decide which girl would be theirs. In Medieval times, girls ate strange foods on Valentine's Day to make them dream of their future husband.

In the Middle Ages, it was believed that the first single person of the opposite sex you encountered on the morning of Valentine's Day, was the person you would marry.

During the middle of the 17th century, married people took a Valentine, and it wasn't always their "better half."

No one is sure who St. Valentine actually was. Two men could be responsible for the association with love and marriage on this day. The most likely St. Valentine was a priest during the reign of Roman Emperor Claudius II.

Emperor Claudius issued a decree that made it illegal for Roman soldiers to marry - because it inhibited their ability to fight! However, romantic Valentine continued to marry soldiers in secret, until eventually the clandestine ceremonies were discovered and he was beheaded. Valentine was in love with his jailer's daughter and he left her a note signed 'Your Valentine' before being taken away to his death.

Man's attempts at flight date back to around 1020 when Oliver of Malmesbury, an English Benedictine monk, strapped a huge pair of wings to his body and try to soar into the air from Malmesbury Abbey. He broke both legs.

In 1783, Jacques Charles released a large unmanned balloon from Paris. It landed in Gonesse where it was attacked and destroyed by villagers who thought it was a monster.

In the early years of this century the Parisian Count de Guiseux created an Aeroplane Bicycle. The device featured large wings fixed to a bicycle with a propeller linked to the drive chain of the back wheel. To have any hope of elevation, the Count had to pedal furiously, making any form of flight an exhausting prospect.

The aerial velocipede was the brainchild of Monsieur A. Goupil in the 1870s. Resembling a unicycle beneath a Zeppelin, it proved spectacularly unsuccessful despite an optimistic write-up in the French trade press.

In 1742, French nobleman the Marquis de Bacqueville launched an ambitious attempt to fly across the River Seine in Paris with paddles strapped to his arms and legs. With a huge crowd gathered below, he leaped from a window ledge on the top floor of his house and began flapping vigorously. He fell like a rock but was lucky enough to land on a pile of old clothes in a washerwoman's boat. He sustained nothing worse than a broken leg.

Former traffic policeman William Alexander set out to drive the 15 miles from Hereford to Ross-on-Wye in 1996. He and his wife were found confused 36 hours later, after a 1,000 mile drive, going the wrong way down the MI near Barnsley.

In 1994, a nun who said she was rushing an injured dog to the vet was fined for reckless driving after refusing to stop for armed police in New York State.

Leroy Linen, a scrap-metal dealer from the Bronx, was banned from driving 633 times between 1990 and 1994.

Assuming she had failed after hitting the curb during her 1995 test at Lowestoft, Tcheeka Johnson punched the examiner on the leg, screeched to a halt and pushed her out of the passenger door.

Trying to test his oil level manually, a Wakefield motorcyclist got his finger stuck in the oil tank and had to summon the fire brigade to release him.

Gerald Ford used to let off loud farts and blame them on his Secret Service men.

John Quincy Adams loved to swim in the nude.

Chestur Arthur was a clothes hog who owned over 80 pairs of
pants.

Grover Cleveland is the only U.S. president who personally hanged someone. He threw a noose over two criminals' necks while working as a sheriff.

Warren G. Harding once gambled and lost a box of priceless White House china during a poker game.

John F. Kennedy was plagued by the venereal disease chlamydia and spent the first moments of the Bay of Pigs invasion getting a giant shot of penicillin.

TAIPEI, Taiwan - Taiwan is running out of space for new cemeteries and fears it will not have enough room to accomodate its dense population. The Houston-based Celestis Inc. has come up with a solution for Taiwan's problem - sending people's remains into space. The firm signed a deal with one of Taiwan's largest funeral homes, Baushan Enterprise, to offer "space burials" to the Taiwanese. Robert Tysor, chief executive of Celestis, explained that the ashes are packed into an aluminum tube and shot into space on commercial rockets from bases in the U.S. and Russia. The tube orbits Earth once every 90 minutes before returning to the planet and burning up. Space burials cost about 400,000 New Taiwan dollars (US$12,000). Families also have the option of sending their loved one's ashes to the moon's surface for about NT$1 million (US$30,000).

DUNCAN, Okla. - A man had such a hard time parting with his glass eye that he had it refitted into a ring. Michael Burton had the artificial eye for 35 years because of an industrial accident and recently had to have it refitted. Since he didn't want to just dispose of it, he took it to jeweler Al Nix. "That eye cost me two-thousand dollars 35 years ago," Burton said. "It took three days for people to hand-paint that eye. To throw it away would be like buying a new car and just taking my old car to the dump. I guess
it's like they say -- one man's trash is another man's treasure." Nix put together a design team that designed a ring incorporating the odd shape of the artificial eye. It took the team about four weeks to set the eye and another four to complete the ring. Three ounces of gold set the eye as a stone. Burton was delighted with the result.

FREDRICKSBURG, Va. - A Virginia man has been charged with pulling off a neighbor's prosthetic leg and beating him with it during an argument. The fight started when the victim, Michael Clapp, 38, discovered a bottle of medicine missing from his Townsend Boulevard apartment Wednesday night, The Free Lance Star of Fredricksburg, Va., reported Friday. Clapp suspected his neighbor, 27-year-old Rodney Prophitt, and went next door to confront him, city police spokesman Jim Shelhorse said. Upon being confronted, Prophitt knocked Clapp to the ground, then pulled off Clapp's artificial leg and struck him with it several times. "At some point, Clapp was able to grab his leg back, get back to his apartment and call 911," Shelhorse said. Police charged Prophitt with felonious assault and petty larceny. Clapp was treated at Mary Washington Hospital for a broken nose and other facial injuries.

Urinating in an open grave cures incontinence.

Passing a child three times under the belly of a donkey cures whooping cough.

Touching a corpse's hand cures a sore throat.

Stick an elder twig in your ear and wear it night and day to cure deafness.

Carry a child through a flock of sheep to cure respiratory problems.

To cure fever, place the patient on a sandy shore when the tide is coming in. The waves will carry away the disease.

A cork under the pillow at night cures cramps.

Rubbing the grease off church bells into your body cures shingles.

Tying a hairy caterpillar in a bag around a child's neck cures whooping cough.

Throwing a dung beetle over your shoulder cures a stomach ache.

ALBANY, New York - A man was pulled over by police for driving while watching porn. You read that right. Andre Gainey was enjoying an adult video called "Chocolate Foam" while driving his Mercedes Benz when he was caught by an officer at a stop light. Detectives pulled him over when they saw the movie playing in the car's headrests. When they stopped him, they noticed another screen in the passenger-side visor that was facing Gainey, permitting him to watch the movie while driving. According to Joe Pichi, a spokesman for the state's Department of Motor Vehicles, this case is believed to be the first of its kind in New York.
"Our biggest problem is illegal cell phone use while driving," Pichi said. "Drivers should be driving."

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day
March 2 is Old Stuff Day
March 4 is Holy Experiment Day
March 5 is Multiple Personalities Day
March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day
March 15 is Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day
March 16 is Everything You Do Is Right Day
March 22 is National Goof-off Day
March 27 is National "Joe" Day
March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

A French bride was arrested at her wedding reception in 1995 for stabbing the groom with the knife they had just used to cut the wedding cake.

Right before he was due to conduct a wedding in West York-shire, Father Rodney Chapman tripped over a bible, crashed into the aisle and broke his foot. With blood streaming down his face, he managed to marry the couple before going to the hospital.

When the future George IV got married to Princess Caroline of Brunswick in 1795, he was so drunk he had to be carried to the altar by his two ushers. During the ceremony, he rose at one point as if trying to escape. Later, when asked by the Archbishop if there was any impediment to the marriage, the groom started to cry. After briefly visiting the marital bed that night, he fell asleep in the fireplace.

Newlywed Kal Thorpe left All Saints' Church, Erdington, irmingham, in August 1986 to discover that the wedding car had been stolen.

At a wedding at Kingston, Surrey, in 1973, the vicar fell ill and a replacement had to be found at short notice. Then the bride fainted when the groom put the ring on her finger and, despite attempts to revive her, remained unconscious for 20 minutes.

On the day of Princess Maria del Pozzo della Cisterno and Amadeo, the Duke of D'Aosta's wedding, Cisterno's mistress hanged herself, the palace gatekeeper cut his throat, the colonel leading the wedding procession collapsed from sunstroke, the stationmaster was crushed to death under the wheels of the honeymoon train, the King's aide died when he fell from his horse, and the best man shot himself. Otherwise, everything went smoothly...

A 2ft-long alligator fell from the sky at Evansville, Indiana on May 21, 1911, landing on the front doorstep of Mrs. Hiram Winchell's home. When the animal tried to crawl inside, it was clubbed to death by Mrs. Winchell and neighbors armed with bed slats.

A deluge of dead birds tumbled from a clear sky on to the streets of Baton Rouge, Louisiana, in November 1896. The only plausible explanation was that the birds, which included wild ducks, catbirds and woodpeckers, had been driven inland by a storm on the Florida coast and had been killed by a sudden temperature change over Baton Rouge.

Following weeks of drought, a storm broke one afternoon in August 1814 over Fremontiers, near Amiens in France. In the rain which accompanied the storm were dozens of tiny frogs which began to hop around on the ground. Live frogs also landed on Leicester, Massachusetts, in 1953, tumbling into gutters and on roofs.

On May 11, 1894, at the height of a hailstorm, a gopher turtle encased in ice fell on Bovina, eight miles east of Vicksburg, Mississippi. During the same storm, a small block of alabaster, also encased in ice, landed on Vicksburg itself.

A crop of peaches dropped on a building site at Shreveport, Louisiana on July 12, 1961. The workmen confirmed that the fruit was coming from the sky and not being thrown. Weathermen said that conditions that day were not conducive to the peaches having been carried by strong winds.

February is . . . . National Blah Buster Month
National Embroidery Month
Responsible Pet Owner Month

February 2 is.....Purification Day
February 3 is.....Cordova Ice Worm Day
February 4 is.....Create A Vacuum Day
February 6 is.....Lame Duck Day
February 11 is....White Tee-Shirt Day
February 16 is....Do A Grouch A Favor Day
February 17 is....Champion Crab Races Day
February 20 is....Hoodie Hoo Day
February 28 is....Public Sleeping Day

FORT LAUDERDALE - Although Mike Nahum's handsome features lost him a criminal case, he can rest easy in knowing he might be the only guy in the world with a court order declaring he is a "very attractive man." Because he is so cute, Judge Susan Lebow threw out a criminal charge against a man charged with selling drugs to Nahum during an undercover sting at a gay nightclub. She ruled the defendant, Julio Blanco, was encouraged by the cop to commit a crime in hopes he would get sex in return. Dismissing the case, Judge Lebow certified Nahum as cute. "I make that a finding. He's a very attractive man," she said. Lebow wasn't the only one who noticed Nahum's macho good looks. "Let's just say that all of the women in court that day were paying a lot of attention to him," attorney Kevin Kulik said.
"After he left the courtroom, they were all like, 'Wow.'"

Wallace Williams ran in the 1979 Pan-American Games marathon, but was so slow that by the time he reached the stadium it was locked and everyone had left.

To fight the heat in the 1950 Tour de France, Abd-El Kader Zaag drank a bottle of wine and promptly fell off his bike.
After sleeping it off by the side of the road, he got back on and rode off - in the wrong direction.

Russian athlete Ivanon Vyacheslav was so excited to win a medal at the 1956 Melbourne Olympics that he threw the medal high into the air in jubilation. Unfortunately it landed in Lake Wendouree where, despite a frantic search, it remains to this day.

Preparing for a bout at the 1992 New York Golden Gloves Championships, boxer Daniel Caruso psyched himself up by pounding his gloves into his face. In doing so, he broke his nose and was declared unfit to box.

After beating 1,000 rivals in a 500-mile race, Percy the racing pigeon flopped down exhausted in his Sheffield loft and was promptly eaten by a cat.

Marlon Brando used to wander so much on his way to kindergarten that his older sister Jocelyn had to take him to school on a leash.

Clark Gable is listed on his birth certificate as a girl.

As a child, Ann-Margaret's family was so poor that they had to live in a funeral parlor. She slept next to a casket every night.

Dudley Moore was born with a club foot. As a result, his left leg is shorter than his right.

Demi Moore was born cross-eyed.

Rita Hayworth was born with one eye much bigger than the other. She camouflaged it with specially constructed eyelashes.

Jane Seymour was born with one green eye and one brown eye.

Hollywood tough guy Charles Bronson had a rather non-macho childhood. His family was so poor that he had to wear his sister's hand-me-down dresses to school.

The following is a sample list of "history" of the world from certifiably genuine student bloopers collected by teachers throughout the United States, from eighth grade through college level.


The First World War, cause by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by a surf, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.

Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the Autumn, when the apples are falling off the trees.

On April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show.
The believed assassinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposedly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.

George Washington married Martha Curtis and in due time became the Father of Our Country. The Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility.
Under the Constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

One of the causes of the Revolutionary Wars was the English put tacks in their tea.

Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote "Donkey Hote". The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote "Paradise Lost." Then his wife died and he wrote "Paradise Regained."

A West Bend man is suing the cable company that he feels made him addicted to TV, caused his wife to be overweight and his kids to be lazy. Timothy Dumouchel is asking for $5,000 or three computers, and a lifetime supply of free Internet service from Charter Communications to settle a small claims suit. Dumouchel told Charter that he plans to sue because his cable connection remained intact four years after he tried to get it canceled. "I believe that the reason I smoke and drink every day and my wife is overweight is because we watched TV every day for the last four years," Dumouchel stated in a written complaint against the company.
He stated that he called Charter several times to get the service disconnected for good because he felt it was addictive, but they reportedly never did.

MADISON, Wis. - A researcher from the University of Wisconsin at Madison has created a new method to slice cheese - by using a laser. "At any other university, people would have just laughed. But this is Wisconsin. It's cheese. And this is no laughing matter," said Xiaochun Li, a mechanical engineering professor and laser expert. Li, along with engineering graduate student Hongseok Choi, has discovered that the same kind of laser used for eye surgery can be used to slice Wisconsin's famous food product. Li first tried to use a traditional commercial laser that uses heat to cut by melting or evaporating, but that fried the cheese. Trying again, he used a new class of laser, known as a cold laser, that cuts by blasting apart the molecular bonds that hold materials together.

[These are actual notes taken from patient charts.]

"The patient complains of a dry cough that hurts when he coughs and also when he takes deep breaths for 4 days."
"While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home."
"Patient had waffles for breakfast, and anorexia for lunch."
"The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet."
"Patient was alert and unresponsive."
"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."
"The patient has no past history of suicides."
"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."
"Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
"The other foot has the missing toe."

** (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and theLawn Won
** My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
** I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
** (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
** Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
** Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,Seeks Frog
** I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
** I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
** Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
** IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
** Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
** If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a fourway stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.