TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

JAPANESE HOTEL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking. Here speeching American.

MODESTO, Calif. - A California bank robber apparently forgot the No. 1 safety rule for wearing masks -- there simply have to be eyeholes to be successful. Bank tellers and detectives alike are still smiling at the image of the thief who walked into the Oak Valley Community Bank in Modesto this week wearing a checkered flannel cloth over his face secured by a hat. Detective Tom Blake said the man cautiously lifted a part of the cloth to see where he was walking, demanded money and began his retreat. "But he forgets which side the door hinges were on," Blake told the Modesto Bee. "He walks into the steel door frame, bangs his head into the frame and knocks his hat off. He backs up a bit, still holding onto his hood, and shuffles out the door." The thief did escape, and police are looking for a skinny man with a raspy voice, a checkered cloth, long-sleeved pink shirt, white gardening gloves and a goose-egg on his forehead.

BERLIN - Fed up with garbage-strewn streets, Berlin has devised a solution that it thinks might work - garbage cans that say thank you. Beginning next spring, the city's trash service will build electronics into some of the street-side trash cans that will let them speak or sing to the public.
"We want to encourage people in a nice, funny way to throw their trash in the baskets and not on the street," said the official, Bernd Mueller. They will be installed at heavily visited areas such as the Reichstag building. The wastebaskets will be silent after dark, however. "Some people might feel uncomfortable if these things said something to them at night," Mueller said. Instead, lights round the basket's opening will glow green. Mueller did not say how much the talking trash cans would cost or exactly how many baskets will be programmed.

Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school and college students around the world.

1. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

3. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

4. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

5. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

6. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

7. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

SYDNEY - An Australian man who notified police to report that thieves were trying to break into his home and steal his cannabis plants ended up getting arrested himself. The police came to the house in Adelaide, capital of the state of South Australia just after midnight to discover four men trying to get away with the plants, which were being grown in two rooms there. The men were arrested, along with the 23-year-old homeowner, who was later charged with illegally growing 16 cannabis plants. "He was calling from underneath his bed," a police spokesman said. "I don't know what he was thinking. Perhaps he was smoking too much of his own product."

LUMBERTON, TX - A 56-year-old man dialed 911 and demanded that police arrest his fugitive cat. Police went to the home, but it wasn't the cat that was arrested. Police reports reveal that Lloyd Gregory Coleman continuously called 911 to insist that officers come and arrest his feline, who he claimed possessed outstanding warrants. Dispatchers warned Coleman to stop calling 911, but he didn't listen.
When the cops arrived, Coleman let them search his house for the cat. He also asked them to look for roaches - because he had a lot of them. Police didn't find the cat, but they did discover a prescription bottle of marijuana seeds. Coleman was arrested on complaints of abusing the 911 phone lines, and possession of drugs. Deputies couldn't confirm if the outlaw cat was still at-large.

EXETER, England - A burglar has been jailed in Exeter, Eng-
land, after stealing a complete fitted kitchen, including
the sink, from a house and installing it in his own home.
According to the Exeter Express, Patrick Corby stripped down
the $49,500 kitchen in the Exeter house over several days using power tools. He then carried off the units, freezer, refrigerator, dresser and carpets and re-built the kitchen in his own home, also in Exeter. Andrew Weir, the owner of the house, was living elsewhere. When the kitchen was later found, police discovered a total of 84 items stolen from the unoccupied house. Police said Corby was helped in the burglary by 33-year-old William Roast, who had been illegally living there. The absentee owner was shocked, according to prosecutor Richard Crabb, at the scene of "utter devastation" he found. Corby was sentenced to two years in jail, Roast to one.

SYDNEY - A bank robber who disguised himself as Santa Claus will be spending Christmas in jail after he forgot about the pants. Gregory Harland-White's plan was to rob a bank dressed as Santa, discard the suit in a horse trailer and make his getaway on a bicycle. He had purchased a Santa suit from a chicken feed shop near the bank and armed himself with two pieces of pipe taped together to resemble a gun. After robbing the bank, Harland-White ran into a nearby house trailer to take off the suit and then hurried towards his get away bicycle. Before he could make it to his bike, however, he was caught because he was still wearing the Santa pants. He pleaded guilty to bank robbery in a court in Tasmania and is awaiting sentencing.

A man who said he was "tired of walking" stole a steamroller and led police on a chase that never went over 5 mph. Finally, a police officer walked up and jumped onto the machine, forcing the man to stop.

A businesswoman was at work one day in San Francisco when a colleague saw her take out her credit card and slide it into the 3.5-inch floppy drive on the computer. Her colleague asked her what she was doing and she explained that she was shopping on the Internet.

A 23-year-old woman was arrested at the Salt Lake City airport hotel when she tried to pay for her visit with three $16 bills.

A man who installed windows in skyscrapers was showing his customers how strong each pane of glass was by getting a 10-
foot running start and jumping against the windows from the inside. However, the windows must not have been as strong as he thought: one shattered and he plummeted 27 stories to his death.

Two Texas men tried to rob an ATM by attaching the ends of a
chain to the front of the machine and the bumper of their truck. When they pulled, the bumper fell off the truck. The men then panicked and fled the scene, failing to notice that their license plate was still on the bumper.

Joey Buttafuoco, who gained notoriety in 1992 when his affair with a teenager led to his wife's shooting, was arrested Wednesday and charged with insurance fraud after making phony repair estimates at his auto body shop. Buttafuoco, co-owner of California Collision of Chatsworth, allegedly told undercover investigators how to file phony insurance claims for undamaged cars. Prosecutors charged him with three counts of insurance fraud and one count of grand
theft. He was being held on $50,000 bail. A separate action was also filed by the state to suspend or revoke the body shop's license, alleging the shop charged customers over $12,000 for repair work that was not done.