South Carolina's Gov. Mark Sanford says he wants the state to be run like Wal-Mart. "When you think about Wal-Mart, you think about value and the lowest possible price," he says. "When you think of state government, do you think of value?" If the state streamlined its services, "then we will be able to provide services
to that many more people." (Charleston Post and Courier)
...Careful: what he really means is he wants all citizens to be bar-coded.

AUSTRALIA - A German was trapped for hours in his folding
sofa bed after it sprang shut on him when he tried to get
something out of it, police in the western town of Kenzingen
said. "Unfortunately, he was so stuck that he couldn't move,"
a police spokesman said. It was only after he had been knock-
ing and shouting for several hours that neighbors in his apa-
rtment block alerted police and he was taken to hospital.

[Thanks to www.abc.net.au]

BOGOTA, Colombia - The main reason why some crimes carry
extremely severe punishments is so that people are deterred
from committing those kinds of acts. If this holds true, not
too many people are going to be losing their cars in Colombia.
The country's auto industry wants to build a "concentration
camp" for car thieves, complete with wooden shacks and bar-
bedwire fences. The idea would be to isolate these individ-
uals and force them to grow their own food in order to sur-
vive. Though the term "concentration camp" might be misused
in this instance, the harsh conditions might cause potential
carjackers to find a new hobby.

BERLIN - For about 50 bucks, you can go to the nearest shop-
ping mall and pick up a nice wall clock made out of some kind
of cheap metal or wood that will serve its purpose and look
nice. If you feel like getting a little extravagant, German
artist Bernd Eilts will sculpt you one, by hand, from the
finest cow crap he can find. All for a mere $140. While walk-
ing through a dung-filled field a decade ago, Eilts got the
idea of using dried-out cowpats for his timepieces. The art-
ist found so many similarities between the consistency of
poop to his paints that he fell in love with the material.
Having conquered the field of poo sculptures and wall clocks,
Eilts is looking to expand his repertory to include cow dung
wrist watches.

The last descendant of the prolific musical Bach family died
on Christmas Day, 1845.

Adrian II (867-872) was the last married Catholic pope. He
was actually married before he became pope, but refused to
adopt celibacy or give up his wife when he ascended the
papal throne.

The last dodo bird died in 1681.

Beethoven's last symphony was his 9th.

The last original Peanuts Comic Strip was published February
13, 2000. Coincidentally, creator Charles M. Schultz died the
night before.

The last Playboy centerfold to have staples was published in
1985. Venice Kong was the model.

The last bare-knuckle fight of pro boxing took place in 1889.
John L. Sullivan ko'd Jake Kilrain in 75 rounds.

On December 31, 1970, the last cigarette ad, a commercial
for Virginia Slims, was aired on the "Tonight Show." Ciga-
rette ad-vertising was banned from radio and TV effective
January 1, 1971.

What would you do with a 2,600-pound giant rubber ball? Why,
throw it off the back of a plane, of course. The world's big-
gest rubber band ball has been dropped from an airplane at one
mile high. A U.S. television company offered to give the ball
a spectacular send-off by filming the event and airing it on
their television show, Ripley's Believe It or Not. The produ-
cers spent an estimated $4 million on the episode to film it
during its descent and capture the action as it bounces to un-
known heights. However, there was a problem: instead of bounc-
ing, the ball created a massive crater in the sun-baked earth
of the Mojave Desert in Arizona at 400 mph. Prior to its crash
and burn plummet, the ball had been the 14-foot 8-inch circum-
ference creation by Tony Evans, comprised of six million ela-
stic bands.

REGINA, Canada - Canadian police have to lay down the law
when it comes to any monkey business on the streets. So,
when they saw a gorilla strolling down the street on rol-
lerblades, naturally they had to fine the perpetrator. The
teenager inside the monkey suit was only doing his job for
his employer, Hillybilly Vac Shack, working as the store's
cavorting gorilla mascot. Still, authorities felt it nece-
ssary to slap a $130 fine on him for "stunting," defined as
an activity likely to distract or startle drivers. Most
people would go ape if they got fined at work.

LARDAL, Norway - Many people reported seeing a fireball ex-
plode in the night sky and then fall slowly down to earth.
Unsure of what they were watching, several witnesses pani-
cked and called police, believing it to be a fallen alien
spaceship. As it turns out, what was thought to be an un-
identified flying object was actually an electrocuted cat.
Investigators solved the otherworldly mystery when they
found the charred body of a cat at the base of an elect-
rical mast. They believe the unlucky feline used up all
nine lives after it climbed up the pole and touched a li-
vewire. As police spokesperson Lars Helge Sogn told a Nor-
wegian newspaper, what the people were watching was the cat
exploding and falling off the mast. The people were shocked
by what they saw, but certainly not as much as the cat.

MALAGA, Spain - There's a fine line between getting freaky
in the bedroom and getting downright dangerous. A German man
ended up killing himself after experiments with a homemade
sex toy went horribly wrong. The body of the 65-year-old man
was found in a rented apartment after he was reported missing
by a female acquaintance. Pushing the limits of masturbation,
the man applied the electrodes of an adapted voltmeter to his
genitals. The autopsy revealed that the man died from a heart
attack triggered by the electric shock. Foul play was ruled
out after police found the man lying on his bed with the tel-
evsion on and a porno in the VCR.

The word "bozo" derives from the French slang term "bouseaux" (meaning "hick, peasant, or yokel"). However, bouseaux literally means "cow turds."

Gay men who successfully joined the British Navy used to be called "reverse malingerers."

A Boy Scout who forcibly helps an old lady across the street is called an officious interloper. Ask any lawyer.

The Greeks had a word that meant "with armpits smelling like a he-goat."

The term for when dogs scratch their butts by dragging them across the floor is called "sleigh riding."

The expression "paddy wagon" is derived from a derogatory reference to picking up drunk Irish people.

Young women in Atlanta used to refer to their private parts as "janers."