NAIROBI - Sometimes, you just have to step back and say, "Hey,
it's gone." This would have been helpful advice for three
Kenyans who lost their lives trying to retrieve a mobile phone
that slipped down an open-pit latrine while the owner was
answering her own call from nature. For some reason, the owner
still wanted her phone back, so she offered 1,000 shillings
($13.09) to anyone who would recover it for her. Seeing as how
well over half the Kenyan population of 30 million people lives
on less than $1 a day, three men were more than happy to accept
the offer. Unfortunately, it took three men's lives before
police held others back from attempting the rescue. If the
phone didn't get crappy reception before, it does now.

NORWAY - After an accident that causes severe damage to your
car, the next step is to inform your insurance agency of the
incident. However, the situation was a little harder for a
couple who had their vehicle wrecked when a moose fell on the
roof of their Mazda. Leo Henriksen and his wife were enjoying
a leisurely Sunday drive when a 770-pound moose fell off a
cliff and landed on the couple's tiny red vehicle. Adding
insult to injury, on top of losing their car, the couple had
just lost their home in a fire in mid-January. Odds are that
the two won't be flipping channels to catch an episode of
Rocky and Bullwinkle any time soon.

FORT WORTH, Texas - Here's a good idea for revenge on that jerk
of a judge who just sentenced you to eight years in prison:
moon him. Oh wait, that's a completely asinine idea... never-
mind. Ray Mason, perhaps thinking showing the judge his bare
ass is worth an extra half of a year in the can, was held in
contempt by Judge Jim Parsons for his idiotic stunt. About 70
other people were in the courtroom at the time to witness Mason
tack on a few more months to his sentencing, originally for
a count of aggravated assault he pled guilty to. Said the now
psychologically scarred judge, "I've been practicing criminal
law for well over 20 years... This is the first time anything
like that has happened." Unfortunately for Mason, six seconds
of rear exposure will cost him six months of the same to a
less-friendly audience.

MELBOURNE, Australia - Having a funny name can bring about
ridicule and snickers from just about every direction,
especially for school children. However, most would think that
once a man has grown up into his late 50s and has his name on
valid banking and medical records, as well as his drivers
license, nomenclature problems would subside. Unfortunately
for Prime Minister John Piss The Family Court and Legal Aid,
this is not the case. Prime Minister Piss ran into trouble
when he decided to go international with his unique moniker.
He was denied by the Melbourne office of Passports Australia,
who claimed the name could reasonably be considered to be
offensive because it contained an expletive and a title not
legitimately acquired. Needless to say, PM Piss was a bit
P.O.'d.

BERLIN, Germany - The next time your kids ask you to take them
to Disneyland, tell them you've got some place better in mind.
A Berlin company is planning to build a theme park that revives
life behind the Iron Curtain for Communist East Germany. The
communist theme park would be a 107,600-square foot replica
of East Germany, complete with surly border guards, rigorous
customs inspections, authentic East German mark notes, and
restaurants with regulation bland East German food. Spokes-
persons for the park feel the communist regime was an important
part of Germany's history and it should be recreated as
accurately as possible. Though the park should fill you with
excitement all day long, beware of long lines for food and
bathroom needs.

LONDON - If someone's had a little too much to drink, it's a
good idea to take away their car keys and cut them off from
any more beverages. And, if he didn't take his car, make sure
to snag his bulldozer keys from him then. The owner of a
historic village pub pleaded guilty today to demolishing part
of the building with a bulldozer, reportedly after staff
refused to serve him a drink after hours. News reports said
it will cost up to $112,000 to repair the damage. It seems that
the customers weren't the only ones who got plowed that night.

PENNSYLVANIA - It's not uncommon to find a road closed due to
construction, flooding or if a bridge is out. However, five
miles of road will be closed in Pennsylvania for quite a
different reason: procreation. The paved path that passes
through the Delaware Water Gap National Recreation Area will
be blocked off so salamanders, frogs and other amphibians can
get it on without being run over. The park service says it will
periodically close River Road when it rains at night so the
creatures can slither their way across the road to wetlands
where they mate. So if the sign is a-blockin', don't come a-
knockin'.

LINCOLNTON, N.C. - Don't you just hate it when those punk kids
from the neighborhood make their way into your backyard and
dive into your swimming pool without asking? If this has ever
happened to you, then you can imagine how annoying it must have
been for Paul and Virginia Rhyne when they discovered their
neighbor's horse in their swimmin' hole. As the couple was
preparing breakfast on Sunday morning, their grandson and his
friends found Hickory, a 10-year-old Tennessee Walking Horse,
in the cold water. With firemen and about 50 volunteer rescuers
from the neighborhood, Hickory was lifted out of the pool. The
latest news on the wandering horse is that she is doing well
and in 'stable' condition.

"Strine" -- Australian slang -- is invading American speech,
says
Tom Dalzell, the author of two books on U.S. slang. Thanks to more
Australian movies and TV shows becoming hits in America, not to
mention
the 2000 Olympics, terms such as "no worries", "agro" (aggravated),
"walkabout" and "crikey" (exclamation of surprise) are being heard in
the States more frequently. (Brisbane Courier-Mail) ...That's shonky!
If that drongo thinks the trend is new, he's berko.

Suffolk County police say Arthur Dalke, 34, of Long Island,
N.Y., nearly backed his car into a police cruiser -- which
wouldn't have been so bad if the man hadn't had seven drunken
driving convictions under his belt. Officer Anthony Dieguez
told the New York Post Dalke was driving slowly in reverse
while chatting with a pedestrian, paying no attention to on-
coming traffic -- or the officer's squad. When Dieguez tried
to apprehend Dalke, he sped away, allegedly pulled into a
parking lot, slid into the passenger seat, tossed his car
keys out the window and denied ever driving the vehicle.