CHICAGO, IL - There's a new toy on the market for those of
you out there with a sick sense of humor. Giantmicrobes, Inc.
is set to release toys mimicking the common cold, flu, sore
throat and stomach aches and will soon release microbe dolls
for athlete's foot and bad breath. The new line of fuzzy plush
dolls were originally expected to be used for educational pur-
poses by doctors and teachers, but a large part of interest
has come from the general public. CEO Drew Oliver has been
receiving lots of inquiries on whether or not he plans to
create a SARS doll. Due to its current controversial nature,
Oliver plans on steering clear of that one. Let's just hope
he doesn't get any ideas for a new line of STD dolls.

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KANSAS CITY, Mo. - A would-be burglar was caught by police
with his pants down - literally. Officers were called to the
scene at Clyde's Auto Sales shop to find the half-naked man
with his pants around his ankles while he was stuck in the
side of the building. Apparently, the 36-year-old, 245-pound
man over-estimated the size of a hole in the wall as he tried
to enter. The man told police that he was just looking for a
place to sleep, and that his pants had fallen down sometime
in the night. After a chainsaw was brought on the scene, the
bare-assed man was cuffed, arrested and may face burglary
charges. Perhaps the man just dropped his pants to get him-
self ready for prison life.

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The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ,
Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigar-
ette in South Bend, Indiana.

In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are auto-
mobiles.

About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they
are still sitting on it.

In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for
the first time are teenagers.

In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for bet-
ting on when patients would die.

27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is
"a meaningless existential hell."

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BERLIN - A German flasher exposing himself to a woman in a
forest was forced to run for cover when she set her three
small pug dogs on him, police said on Friday. The man, who
was about 30, was naked when he surprised the 55-year-old
woman with the dogs. "He had Bermuda shorts and a T-shirt
in one hand and his private parts in the other," said a
police spokesman. The woman prompted the lap dogs into
action, one of which bit the man on the calf before he fled
through the trees. "The dog was too small to bite him any-
where else," the spokesman said. The man is still on the
loose.

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ZAGREB - An elderly Croatian man is sure to receive a flood
of mail from people asking him to pick winning lottery ticket
numbers. The fortunate soul is lucky to be alive, for several
reasons. Frane Selak, a music teacher, is perhaps the world's
most accomplished serial crash survivor. Not only has he es-
caped death during a series of serious car accidents, he also
managed to escape a bus unharmed after it plunged into a Bos-
nian river, killing everyone on board but him and the driver.
It doesn't end there. Selak was on a train that also happened
to plunge into another river, killing dozens of passengers.
A year later, he was aboard a small plane that crashed, claim-
ing the lives of 17 passengers and three crew members. He
survived after being sucked out of the plane and landing in
a haystack.

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CARSON CITY, Mich. - A married couple in Michigan has beef
moving faster than a sirloin on Oprah's dinner table. Crowds
gather around as Pete Ondrus and Barb Lambert race cows dur-
ing appearances at parades, fairs and ballparks throughout
the U.S. In an effort to promote agriculture, Ondrus and
Lambert founded the Mid-Michigan Cow Racing Association and
the World Wide Cow Racing Association. The couple claims the
bovines enjoy being ridden and are in no way harmed by the
event. So check your local listings to find out when these
fleet-footed milk-slingers are racing your way.

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THE BEAST OF TRURO - As pet cats were found slaughtered in
the Cape Cod area of Massachusettes, speculation grew as to
whether the beast was a mountain lion even though none exi-
sted in the region. Its identity remains a mystery today.

GOATMAN - Described as having the upper body of a human, the
legs of a goat and cloven hooves, Goatman has been known to
leap out on unsuspecting courting couples parked in lover's
lanes in Virginia. It is theorized that the creature was the
result of a science experiment on goats that went wrong.

THE JERSEY DEVIL - The story goes that somewhere in the wooded
Pine Barrens area of New Jersey lurks a monster with a large
horse-like head, wings and a long serpent's body. In 1951,
strange screams were heard coming from the woods, which were
said to be the cry of the Jersey Devil.

MO-MO - In the summer of 1971, two girls stopped for a picnic
near the town of Louisiana, Missouri, when a half-ape half
human emerged from some bushes and tried to break into their
car. Monster hunts in the area failed to reveal the culprit.

THE FLATHEAD LAKE MONSTER - Visitors to Flathead Lake, Montana,
have sometimes spotted something "huge and black" in the water.
A major sighting was in 1963 by Ronald Nixon who calculated the
creature to be around 25ft long. A reward was offered for the
first good photograph of the beast went unclaimed.

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While researchers are continuing to work on ways of combating
the virus, the quest remains difficult due to the anonymity
of the virus' origin. One researcher, however, might have the
answer.

Chandra Wickramasinghe and colleagues at Cardiff University in
the U.K. believe that the virus may have arrived on our planet
from outer space. Noting that tons of bacteria are deposited
on Earth every day, they feel it is plausible for pathogenic
bacteria and viruses to have cosmic origins. In support of the
theory, Wickramasinghe notes the virus is "unexpectedly novel,
and appeared without warning in mainland China."

To expand on the idea, he says it's logical that a small amount
was introduced in the stratosphere near the Himalayas, where
the air is thinnest. It then, depending on stratospheric trans-
port and mixing, could continue to spread seasonally over a
few years. According to his accounts, the current wide range
of the disease is only the beginning.

Taking in all the information that Wickramasinghe and his
colleagues have put together, do you think it's possible that
SARS could have arrived here from outer space? Or does this
sound like something you might read in the National Enquirer?

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As a cargo ship on a run from Buenaventura, Colombia, to Miami, Florida, pulled into port five days after setting sail, a group of stowaways came running out of their hiding place to claim their place in the Land of the Free. The only problem: the ship wasn't docking in Miami; it had mechanical problems after getting through the Panama Canal and had gone back to the nearest port -- in Colombia. "They wanted the American dream, but they only made it to Cartagena," a police spokesman said. The five "sheepish looking" men were returned to Buenaventura by bus. (Reuters) ...Naturally, they were required to ride in the luggage compartment.

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Stereo store technicians installing a car stereo in Orem, Utah, found a bag of marijuana in the customer's car and called the police. Officer Ryan Porter confronted the customer and asked if
he knew why he was called.
"The suspect hung his head and said, 'It's about the bicycle I just stole from in front of Media Play, isn't it?'," a police spokesman recounted.
"Yes, that. And?" Porter replied.
"It's about the marijuana pipe I have in my truck, right?" Porter
again replied,
"Yes, that. And?" The 19-year-old man, whose name was not
reported, said he couldn't think of anything else, so Porter reminded him about the pot in the car and cited him for all three crimes.
(Salt Lake Tribune) ...It's a good thing the guy had a bad memory or they could have been there all day.

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Police in Alpine, Calif., got a break in their investigation of vandalism at three churches -- one each Catholic, Mormon and Jehovah's Witness. Vandals had dumped ketchup around ("it looked like blood," one pastor said) and posted anti-Christian
messages and Satanic symbols for parishioners to find when they arrived for Easter morning services. "They obviously planned this because they had computer-generated signs," said the Catholic priest. The break came when a film processor developed a roll of pictures showing three boys and a girl, all 16 or 17 years old, committing the vandalism, and called police. The four teens have been charged with felony hate crimes.
(San Diego Union) ...Proving yet again that "planned" does
not necessarily mean "well thought out".

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A police officer called out to quiet down a women-only party in Jerusalem, Israel, was warmly welcomed when he knocked on their door. As soon as he stepped inside, one of the women "took off my shirt and untied my shoelaces," the officer says, and then "started stroking me and called on her friends to join in."
The women stopped only when a second officer arrived and "extricated" him. After sorting things out, the officers discovered "The women had ordered a stripper dressed as a police officer," a national police spokesman said, and assumed the officer was the call boy. No arrests were reported.
(Reuters) ...But he did get several phone numbers.

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