"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

"Raise the urinals."
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
-New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."
-Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's ilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

PHNOM PENH - A Cambodian man who discovered he had forgotten his wallet after filling up his motorbike with petrol decided to pay for the gas with his nephew. The nine-year-old boy Dy had been on a trip with his uncle in March 2002 to try and find his father in a nearby province. When their motorbike ran out of petrol before making it to their destination, the uncle stopped to fill it up and then realized he had no money. He convinced the lady selling the petrol to take his nephew as a guarantee that he would return with the cash. Almost two years later, he still hasn't come back.
The woman has decided to keep the child and raise him as her grandson.

AUSTRALIA - A brush turkey thought he had met his match when a man fell into a mating hole in a Burleigh park and was almost buried alive. The man was walking along a track when he fell into the 'hole of love' and was buried up to his head. It is thought that a brush turkey discovered the man shortly after he fell and attempted to bury him in a mating ritual. The man was stuck in the hole for awhile until someone noticed him and called emergency services. Several fire crews came to the scene and fought back laughter as they retrieved him from the hole. A wildlife ranger said that December was the frisky season for brush turkeys. Just last week signs warning people of wild turkeys were put up in the national park.

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - A 39-year-old man legally changed his name last month to reflect his childhood nickname. The former Raymond Allen Gray Jr. shall now be known as Bubba Bubba Bubba. Since he has long been referred to as "Bubba" or "Bubby," he feels the name change won't be hard to get used to. "My dad called me Buddy, and it got switched to Bubby.
Some of the kids couldn't pronounce Buddy too well, so they said Bubby, and it just stuck," he said. Bubba had thought about changing his name to Bubba Gray until a co-worker began calling him Bubba Bubba Bubba as a joke. Another coworker mistakenly thought that was his actual name. "That's kind of what started me thinking: Well, let's just have it all the way through - Bubba Bubba Bubba - first, middle and last," he remarked.

December 3 is National Roof over Your Head Day

December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day

December 5 is Bathtub Party Day

December 6 is Put on your own Shoes Day

December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

December 8 is Take it in the Ear Day

December 12 is National Ding-a-Ling Day

December 16 National Chocolate covered Anything Day

December 21 is National Flashlight Day

December 27 is Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day

AHMEDABAB, India - Physicians are reportedly baffled by an Indian holy man who claims not to have eaten or drunk anything for decades, but who is in perfect health. Prahlad Jani, who is over 70 years old, was placed under constant observation for 10 days in an Indian hospital. The hospital's deputy superintendent, Dr. Dinesh Desai, said the holy man -- or fakir -- did not consume anything and "neither did he pass urine or stool," yet he remained in good mental and physical condition. Physicians say most people can live without food for several weeks, but the average human can survive for only three to four days without water. Jani spent his 10 days in the hospital within a specially prepared room with a sealed
toilet and under constant video surveillance.

Over 100 staff had to be evacuated from the Bank of Scotland's headquarters on Edinburgh's Mound last Friday after a bomb squad was called in to detonate a chocolate Santa. The workers panicked after mistaking the string used to tie the chocolate to the Christmas tree for wiring. Before the bomb squad could blow up the chocolate Santa, the person who sent it was traced and put an end to the scare by revealing what was inside. One police officer said that the X-ray machine picked up the gold string and it looked like wiring. Everyone had a laugh when the package was opened and the chocolate Santa fell out. An employee remarked that all of the staff were jumpy and realized the need for high security.

After mating, the male garter snake from North America closes up the female's sexual opening with a plug made from kidney secretions. This is a form of chastity belt to ensure that the female is fertilized by the first male to mate with her.

The seahorse is the only creature where the male becomes pregnant. The female inserts a nipple-like appendage into the male and releases her eggs into a special pouch in his stomach. He then discharges his sperm over them and his stomach takes on the rounded shape once the eggs are fertilized.

The female bedbug has no sexual opening, so the male creates his own vagina, using his curved, pointed penis as a drill.
The male then inserts his sperm and the blood-sucking female feeds on some of it when blood is in short supply.

After the female praying mantis mates with her partner, she then eats him. The female hooks her deadly arms around him and slowly nibbles away at him during copulation. Sometimes she doesn't even wait until after sex to make him her next meal, but his sex drive is so strong that he can keep going even while being eaten.

The male swamp antechinus, a mouse-like marsupial from ustralia, is the only mammal which dies after mating. The males dedicate their lives to non-stop mating until they literally drop dead. Most of them die of starvation because they have no time to eat between sex.

It's strange enough for a convict to request a tougher sentence. However, one Danish judge received requests from two men for extended prison time, and both ventured to Denmark to get into trouble. When a visiting Scot was given ten days in jail for entering the country illegally, he asked the judge for two months behind bars to help him fight his alcoholism. A 65-year-old Swedish man also requested a jail term to last at least over Christmas on the same grounds.
The Swede, described as having 'zero personal hygiene,' has been legally banned from traveling to Denmark, but has visited there at least 100 times since the prohibition. He was sentenced to 40 days for illegal entry, and once released and sent to Malmo, he returned on the first boat to Denmark.
Neither man was given a longer sentence.

TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

JAPANESE HOTEL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking. Here speeching American.

MODESTO, Calif. - A California bank robber apparently forgot the No. 1 safety rule for wearing masks -- there simply have to be eyeholes to be successful. Bank tellers and detectives alike are still smiling at the image of the thief who walked into the Oak Valley Community Bank in Modesto this week wearing a checkered flannel cloth over his face secured by a hat. Detective Tom Blake said the man cautiously lifted a part of the cloth to see where he was walking, demanded money and began his retreat. "But he forgets which side the door hinges were on," Blake told the Modesto Bee. "He walks into the steel door frame, bangs his head into the frame and knocks his hat off. He backs up a bit, still holding onto his hood, and shuffles out the door." The thief did escape, and police are looking for a skinny man with a raspy voice, a checkered cloth, long-sleeved pink shirt, white gardening gloves and a goose-egg on his forehead.

BERLIN - Fed up with garbage-strewn streets, Berlin has devised a solution that it thinks might work - garbage cans that say thank you. Beginning next spring, the city's trash service will build electronics into some of the street-side trash cans that will let them speak or sing to the public.
"We want to encourage people in a nice, funny way to throw their trash in the baskets and not on the street," said the official, Bernd Mueller. They will be installed at heavily visited areas such as the Reichstag building. The wastebaskets will be silent after dark, however. "Some people might feel uncomfortable if these things said something to them at night," Mueller said. Instead, lights round the basket's opening will glow green. Mueller did not say how much the talking trash cans would cost or exactly how many baskets will be programmed.

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Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school and college students around the world.

1. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

3. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

4. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

5. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

6. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

7. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.