MONTREAL - A Montreal housecat beat out former pro players and sports analysts in the Montreal Gazette's NFL pool, the newspaper reported Friday. Miss Kallie, an 11-year-old brown tabby outwitted 11 humans, including radio and television sports broadcasters, two Gazette sportswriters and two former professional football players, to win the pool, which appeared weekly in the newspaper's sports section. Miss Kallie's winning record: 101 wins, 82 losses and nine ties. Her average was .552. Before each game, her owners would hold up slips of paper bearing the names of the competing teams. They would encourage the cat to sniff one of the pieces of paper. Her owners found her to be very species-loyal, often picking the Bengals, Lions, Jaguars and Panthers. She also frequently demonstrated an interest in possible sources of food: the Ravens, Seahawks and Eagles.

CURUGSEWU, Indonesia - Villagers on the Indonesian island of Java have caught alive a python that is almost 50 feet long and weighs nearly 1,000 pounds, The Australian reported. If confirmed, it would be the largest snake ever kept in captivity, the newspaper reported Monday. Hundreds of people have flocked to see the snake at a primitive zoo in Curugsewu village on the country's main island of Java. A local government official said the reticulated python measured 49 feet and weighed in at 985 pounds. The Indonesian snake, which was caught last year but only recently put on public display, eats three or four dogs a month. Reticulated pythons are the world's longest snakes. They are capable of eating animals as large as sheep, and have been known to attack and consume humans. The species is native to the swamps and jungles of Southeast Asia.

SANTA FE, N.M. - A couple returned home from a week-long vacation to an unpleasant surprise: the legs of a dead man dangling from their ceiling. Police identified the man as Carl Smith, 81, and he was the ex-husband of the woman who lived in the home. "He was stuck in an air conditioner duct," said Trish Ahrensfield, a spokeswoman for the Albuquerque police. Police said it seems the man was attempting to break into the home via the roof and died while trying to enter through the air conditioner duct. The couple said their house was cold when they returned and they went to the bathroom to check if the heater had been turned off. When they looked at the ceiling, they saw the legs hanging down.

A book-loving pack rat tried to squeeze even more tomes into his tiny New York City apartment and ended up buried under an avalanche of books, magazines and other stuff. "I was hollering for two days, 'Let me out! Let me out!'" Patrice Moore tells the New York Post. The 42-year-old former mail room clerk was trapped under his possessions for two days.
His screaming finally alerted the landlord but despite breaking the door down, the avalanche kept rescuers from opening the door. Even after the landlord removed the door from its hinges it took three hours to dig out the man. Moore says he collects books and magazines and peddles them back on the street for about $300 a week.

January is . . . .
National Careers in Cosmetology Month, National Fiber Focus Month,
Prune Breakfast Month

January 2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day

January 3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day

January 4 is . . . . .Humiliation Day

January 6 is . . . . .Bean Day

January 9 is . . . . .Play God Day

January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day

January 13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day

January 18 is . . . . Winnie the Pooh Day

January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day

January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day

January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting Day

January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day

January 27 is . . . . Thomas Crapper Day

January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day

January 30 is . . . . Escape Day

CORONA, Calif. - In an attempt to fight pornography, Pastor Craig Gross - who runs an anti-porn website called xxxchurch.com - has created the world's first anti-porn TV commercial. The 30-second commercial details the adventures of a midget named Eddie with the moral being "porn stunts growth." Although it isn't politically correct, Gross says that these days even the Lord must use the "Jackass" mentality to get His message across to the young men most likely to become addicted to porn. Gross insists that he asked Eddie for his input before filming and the midget said he had done more degrading things. The anti-porn ad has run in Southern California on shows like "Howard Stern" and "The Man Show." Gross hopes that anti-porn advocates will pay to have it air in other areas of the U.S.

ROME - In an attempt to get his ex-girlfriend to feel sorry for him, a Sicily man asked a friend to shoot him in the groin. Police in the city of Piazza Armerina sensed something fishy when the 27-year-old went to the hospital with wounds from a hunting rifle's pellets in his crotch. He said that the wounds were a result of a hunting accident, but later admitted he had asked his friend, 16, to shoot him in an attempt to win back his girlfriend, who had left him because of his violent character. The man's wounds are expected to heal. Police charged the man, and the 16-year-old, in connection with the shooting. Reports reveal that the man's ex-girlfriend made it clear she never wanted to see him again.

BERLIN - Germany has quietly accelerated an old tool in its fight against chronic unemployment -- coax the unemployed into not looking for work. Under the plan, run by Germany's Federal Labor Office, a jobless person signs a document saying he or she no longer seeks work and, in exchange for thus helping lower the country's double-digit unemployment rate, gets unemployment benefits until their pension kicks in.
While the government denies it is accelerating the program, a source said officials recently sent a memo to the country's job centers setting a goal of 75 percent of all unemployed over 58 to sign on. Despite the denials, there has been a sudden rise in participation. Since September, 373,100 workers have signed the document, up 20 percent from the year earlier figure. Analysts expect the number of jobless to top five million this winter.

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card." -Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him." -Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."
-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds

CLEARWATER, Florida - A woman who swallowed a 1.5 carat diamond ring had no choice but to give up the evidence when nature called, Florida police reported. A Clearwater Police Department spokesman said that 38-year-old Mary Flowers was arrested last week after she was caught on surveillance tape swallowing the $20,000 ring at a jewelry store in a mall. She denied digesting the ring until an X-ray revealed that it was inside her. She was held in a jail cell under observation until she passed the ring through her digestive system on Monday. Flowers was charged with grand theft and bail was set at $5,000. Police are keeping the ring until the case is over.

HARRISON, Ark. - After a farmer's arm was ripped off in a tractor accident, he picked up the limb, climbed back on the tractor and went home to get help. "What was I supposed to do? Lie there and die?" James Arlen Mondy's wife quoted him as saying. Doctors tried but were unable to reattach his arm after the Dec. 16 accident. Mondy was knocked off his tractor when it hit a hole and the spinning blades of a brush cutter chopped off his arm at the shoulder. As he made his way home, he stopped to open a gate, drove through, and then dismounted the tractor again to close the gate. He continued on his way and began to feel lightheaded. Luckily, a passing couple saw him and were able to summon help.

BOSTON - A man in Boston has taken on some ballsy acting roles - ones where his testicles do the work. The man, who refers to himself as "Sackie Gleason," has a website called testicletheater.com, where he dresses his testicles up in costumes and has them act out scenes from "Macbeth, Enter The Dragon" and "Thelma and Louise." Gleason agrees it's a little nutty but believes his "multi-talented testicles" bring the works of Stanley Kubrick, John Cassvettes and Sam Peckinpah to a new audience. Gleason doesn't want to keep his testicles confined to a film set. He enjoys the live stage and admits his testes thrive during "live theatrical interpretations on request."

In 1757, a Prussian army had to abandon a safe escape route when they saw the road blocked by what they believed to be batteries of Austrian artillery. It turned out to be nothing more deadly than a herd of cattle.

In 1836, when Mexican troops were engaged in skirmishes with the Texans, Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna ordered his troops one afternoon to take a siesta. During the nap, the entire Mexican army was routed by the Texans in just 18 minutes.

At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, 10,000 Austrian soldiers were killed or injured by their own side when drunken comrades began shouting that the Turks were upon them. In the darkness and confusion, the Austrians started firing indiscrimately at each other.

When relations with Bolivia soured in 1865, Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Navy to send six gunboats to Bolivia and sink its fleet. Her admirals quietly pointed out that Bolivia had no coast and therefore no fleet, whereupon the Queen sent for a map and a pair of scissors and cut Bolivia from the world.

Famous American General Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson was devoutly religious and considered fighting on a Sunday to be a sin. In 1862, at the height of the Battle of Mechanicsville in the American Civil War, he stood alone praying on a nearby hill, steadfastly refusing to speak to anyone all afternoon. With nobody to guide them, his Confederate troops suffered huge losses.