** (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and theLawn Won
** My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
** I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
** (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
** Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
** Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,Seeks Frog
** I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
** I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
** Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
** IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
** Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
** If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a fourway stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

MONTREAL - A Montreal housecat beat out former pro players and sports analysts in the Montreal Gazette's NFL pool, the newspaper reported Friday. Miss Kallie, an 11-year-old brown tabby outwitted 11 humans, including radio and television sports broadcasters, two Gazette sportswriters and two former professional football players, to win the pool, which appeared weekly in the newspaper's sports section. Miss Kallie's winning record: 101 wins, 82 losses and nine ties. Her average was .552. Before each game, her owners would hold up slips of paper bearing the names of the competing teams. They would encourage the cat to sniff one of the pieces of paper. Her owners found her to be very species-loyal, often picking the Bengals, Lions, Jaguars and Panthers. She also frequently demonstrated an interest in possible sources of food: the Ravens, Seahawks and Eagles.

CURUGSEWU, Indonesia - Villagers on the Indonesian island of Java have caught alive a python that is almost 50 feet long and weighs nearly 1,000 pounds, The Australian reported. If confirmed, it would be the largest snake ever kept in captivity, the newspaper reported Monday. Hundreds of people have flocked to see the snake at a primitive zoo in Curugsewu village on the country's main island of Java. A local government official said the reticulated python measured 49 feet and weighed in at 985 pounds. The Indonesian snake, which was caught last year but only recently put on public display, eats three or four dogs a month. Reticulated pythons are the world's longest snakes. They are capable of eating animals as large as sheep, and have been known to attack and consume humans. The species is native to the swamps and jungles of Southeast Asia.

SANTA FE, N.M. - A couple returned home from a week-long vacation to an unpleasant surprise: the legs of a dead man dangling from their ceiling. Police identified the man as Carl Smith, 81, and he was the ex-husband of the woman who lived in the home. "He was stuck in an air conditioner duct," said Trish Ahrensfield, a spokeswoman for the Albuquerque police. Police said it seems the man was attempting to break into the home via the roof and died while trying to enter through the air conditioner duct. The couple said their house was cold when they returned and they went to the bathroom to check if the heater had been turned off. When they looked at the ceiling, they saw the legs hanging down.

A book-loving pack rat tried to squeeze even more tomes into his tiny New York City apartment and ended up buried under an avalanche of books, magazines and other stuff. "I was hollering for two days, 'Let me out! Let me out!'" Patrice Moore tells the New York Post. The 42-year-old former mail room clerk was trapped under his possessions for two days.
His screaming finally alerted the landlord but despite breaking the door down, the avalanche kept rescuers from opening the door. Even after the landlord removed the door from its hinges it took three hours to dig out the man. Moore says he collects books and magazines and peddles them back on the street for about $300 a week.

January is . . . .
National Careers in Cosmetology Month, National Fiber Focus Month,
Prune Breakfast Month

January 2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day

January 3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day

January 4 is . . . . .Humiliation Day

January 6 is . . . . .Bean Day

January 9 is . . . . .Play God Day

January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day

January 13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day

January 18 is . . . . Winnie the Pooh Day

January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day

January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day

January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting Day

January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day

January 27 is . . . . Thomas Crapper Day

January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day

January 30 is . . . . Escape Day

CORONA, Calif. - In an attempt to fight pornography, Pastor Craig Gross - who runs an anti-porn website called xxxchurch.com - has created the world's first anti-porn TV commercial. The 30-second commercial details the adventures of a midget named Eddie with the moral being "porn stunts growth." Although it isn't politically correct, Gross says that these days even the Lord must use the "Jackass" mentality to get His message across to the young men most likely to become addicted to porn. Gross insists that he asked Eddie for his input before filming and the midget said he had done more degrading things. The anti-porn ad has run in Southern California on shows like "Howard Stern" and "The Man Show." Gross hopes that anti-porn advocates will pay to have it air in other areas of the U.S.

ROME - In an attempt to get his ex-girlfriend to feel sorry for him, a Sicily man asked a friend to shoot him in the groin. Police in the city of Piazza Armerina sensed something fishy when the 27-year-old went to the hospital with wounds from a hunting rifle's pellets in his crotch. He said that the wounds were a result of a hunting accident, but later admitted he had asked his friend, 16, to shoot him in an attempt to win back his girlfriend, who had left him because of his violent character. The man's wounds are expected to heal. Police charged the man, and the 16-year-old, in connection with the shooting. Reports reveal that the man's ex-girlfriend made it clear she never wanted to see him again.

BERLIN - Germany has quietly accelerated an old tool in its fight against chronic unemployment -- coax the unemployed into not looking for work. Under the plan, run by Germany's Federal Labor Office, a jobless person signs a document saying he or she no longer seeks work and, in exchange for thus helping lower the country's double-digit unemployment rate, gets unemployment benefits until their pension kicks in.
While the government denies it is accelerating the program, a source said officials recently sent a memo to the country's job centers setting a goal of 75 percent of all unemployed over 58 to sign on. Despite the denials, there has been a sudden rise in participation. Since September, 373,100 workers have signed the document, up 20 percent from the year earlier figure. Analysts expect the number of jobless to top five million this winter.

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card." -Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him." -Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."
-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds

CLEARWATER, Florida - A woman who swallowed a 1.5 carat diamond ring had no choice but to give up the evidence when nature called, Florida police reported. A Clearwater Police Department spokesman said that 38-year-old Mary Flowers was arrested last week after she was caught on surveillance tape swallowing the $20,000 ring at a jewelry store in a mall. She denied digesting the ring until an X-ray revealed that it was inside her. She was held in a jail cell under observation until she passed the ring through her digestive system on Monday. Flowers was charged with grand theft and bail was set at $5,000. Police are keeping the ring until the case is over.

HARRISON, Ark. - After a farmer's arm was ripped off in a tractor accident, he picked up the limb, climbed back on the tractor and went home to get help. "What was I supposed to do? Lie there and die?" James Arlen Mondy's wife quoted him as saying. Doctors tried but were unable to reattach his arm after the Dec. 16 accident. Mondy was knocked off his tractor when it hit a hole and the spinning blades of a brush cutter chopped off his arm at the shoulder. As he made his way home, he stopped to open a gate, drove through, and then dismounted the tractor again to close the gate. He continued on his way and began to feel lightheaded. Luckily, a passing couple saw him and were able to summon help.

BOSTON - A man in Boston has taken on some ballsy acting roles - ones where his testicles do the work. The man, who refers to himself as "Sackie Gleason," has a website called testicletheater.com, where he dresses his testicles up in costumes and has them act out scenes from "Macbeth, Enter The Dragon" and "Thelma and Louise." Gleason agrees it's a little nutty but believes his "multi-talented testicles" bring the works of Stanley Kubrick, John Cassvettes and Sam Peckinpah to a new audience. Gleason doesn't want to keep his testicles confined to a film set. He enjoys the live stage and admits his testes thrive during "live theatrical interpretations on request."

In 1757, a Prussian army had to abandon a safe escape route when they saw the road blocked by what they believed to be batteries of Austrian artillery. It turned out to be nothing more deadly than a herd of cattle.

In 1836, when Mexican troops were engaged in skirmishes with the Texans, Mexican General Antonio Lopez de Santa Anna ordered his troops one afternoon to take a siesta. During the nap, the entire Mexican army was routed by the Texans in just 18 minutes.

At the Battle of Karansebes in 1788, 10,000 Austrian soldiers were killed or injured by their own side when drunken comrades began shouting that the Turks were upon them. In the darkness and confusion, the Austrians started firing indiscrimately at each other.

When relations with Bolivia soured in 1865, Queen Victoria ordered the Royal Navy to send six gunboats to Bolivia and sink its fleet. Her admirals quietly pointed out that Bolivia had no coast and therefore no fleet, whereupon the Queen sent for a map and a pair of scissors and cut Bolivia from the world.

Famous American General Thomas 'Stonewall' Jackson was devoutly religious and considered fighting on a Sunday to be a sin. In 1862, at the height of the Battle of Mechanicsville in the American Civil War, he stood alone praying on a nearby hill, steadfastly refusing to speak to anyone all afternoon. With nobody to guide them, his Confederate troops suffered huge losses.

BERLIN, Germany - Since Germany has only a small amount of its own natural reserves, a power plant chief has been searching for an alternate source of energy and believes he has found it - used diapers. "It's an environmentally friendly source of energy," said Thomas Lesche, director of a Bremen incinerator plant that made a deal with a nearby retirement home to purchase 100 tons of used pads and soiled tissues, which is an average of about 10,000 pads. "The pollution emissions with used pads are far lower than with oil or coal," added Lesche. "The content of nappies provide
a great source of energy. The demand for used incontinence materials will grow in the future." He also mentioned that the materials make up around one percent of the plant's energy output now, but felt confident that the percentage would increase.

MOUNT DESERT ISLAND, Maine - As a joke, fishermen Jim Bright and Chris Costello dressed a female lobster in a Barbie outfit, complete with pink high heels. Their little prank has saved the crustacean from the steam pot at least 10 times.
Barbie Lobster, as she has been nicknamed, has been hauled up and thrown back on several occasions. The radios used by lobstermen buzz with laughter and chatter every time a new sighting of Barbie is reported. Costello made a special trip to Wal-Mart to purchase the blue blouse, red- and whitecheckered shirt and shoes that Barbie Lobster wears. Barbie hasn't been spotted since early December and apparently was unkempt and almost naked, except for the heels. If she makes it a few more months, she will be home free for another season. "We have our spring fashions all ready to go," Costello said.

LAGUNA BEACH, Calif. - Two California entrepreneurs have created a new type of greeting card that is sure to make the folks at Hallmark blush - cards with the inside message printed on a sexy black thong. Kim Leone and Ann Mohler's creation is called Polka Dot Greetingwear and features racy holiday greetings that include a card reading "Peace on Earth" on the outside and "Goodwill Toward Men" on the underwear. There's also one that says "Round yon" on the outside and "virgin" on the inside. Mohler says the idea for the panty cards came from a brainstorming session where she and Leone and a few friends came up with the goofiest sayings they would like to see printed on underwear. The panty greetings aren't just limited to Christmas - you can pick one up for bachelorette parties, birthdays and even a divorce card that says "Yay you're getting divorced" and contains a pair of underwear that reads "open season."

CHARLOTTE, Vt. - Vermont may no longer be part of the United tates if a small group of citizens has its way. The Second Vermont Republic is attempting to get the state's 600,000 residents to agree to secession to avoid what leader Thomas Naylor calls "imperial overstretch" and "corporate homogenization." Naylor says that the state is a rural area that has nothing in common with large cities such as Chicago or Los Angeles. He believes that separating from the Union is the only way to be sure the "Green Mountain State" stays green.
Naylor hopes the secession will be non-violent and insists that his goal is just to free Vermont from the other 49 states. The Second Vermont Republic only has a few hundred members at the moment but Naylor is sure that his plan will be successful. He is also hoping to convince New Hampshire, Maine and Quebec to join them in forming a new country.

Do these steps go up or down?

What do you do with the beautiful ice carvings after they melt?

Which elevator do I take to get to the front of the ship?

Does the crew sleep on the ship?

Is this island completely surrounded by water?

Does the ship make its own electricity?

Is it salt water in the toilets?

What elevation are we at?

There's a photographer on board who takes photos and displays them the next day... the question asked...If the pictures aren't marked, how will I know which ones are mine?

What time is the Midnight Buffet being served?

CLARKSTOWN, New York - If you are going to impersonate a
police officer, it might not be a good idea to pull over an off-duty state trooper. Shalom Gelbman, 22, was charged with reckless endangerment and criminal impersonation after he stopped a state trooper during his pretend cop act. With a strobe light on his dashboard and his high beams flashing, Gelbman pulled over a car on the Palisades Interstate Parkway. Driving the vehicle was state Trooper Seamus Lyons, who arrested him after noticing Gelbman's license plate number and the equipment in his car. Gelbman was also given a ticket for driving without registration or insurance. He
was later released on $5,000 bail after being arraigned in Clarkstown Justice Court.

HONG KONG - A chronic gambler was able to save his marriage by lopping off his index finger with a kitchen knife, a news report said on Tuesday. The 40-year-old's wife wanted to divorce him because he managed to lose all his money during a weekend of gambling. Although he made promises to stop gambling, she refused to believe him. In an act of desperation, he took out a kitchen knife and sliced off his right index finger in front of her to prove his determination.
The woman, from Zhanjiang, western Guangdong province, was "deeply moved" by his act and decided to stay with him, the newspaper said.

"I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf."
-Tug McGraw, asked whether he preferred grass or Astroturf

"I told [GM] Roland Hemond to go out and get me a big name pitcher. He said, 'Dave Wehrmeister's got 11 letters. Is that a big enough name for you ?'"
-Eddie Eichorn, White Sox owner

"Raise the urinals."
-Darrel Chaney on how management could keep the Braves on their toes

"He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings."
-Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins, 1991

"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."
-New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers

"Left hand, right hand, it doesn't matter. I'm amphibious."
-Charles Shackleford of the NCSU basketball team

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
-Basketball player Leon Wood to announcer Steve Albert

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
-Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece

"He (Julio Cesar Chavez) speaks English, Spanish, and he's ilingual, too."
-Don King, boxing promoter.

PHNOM PENH - A Cambodian man who discovered he had forgotten his wallet after filling up his motorbike with petrol decided to pay for the gas with his nephew. The nine-year-old boy Dy had been on a trip with his uncle in March 2002 to try and find his father in a nearby province. When their motorbike ran out of petrol before making it to their destination, the uncle stopped to fill it up and then realized he had no money. He convinced the lady selling the petrol to take his nephew as a guarantee that he would return with the cash. Almost two years later, he still hasn't come back.
The woman has decided to keep the child and raise him as her grandson.

AUSTRALIA - A brush turkey thought he had met his match when a man fell into a mating hole in a Burleigh park and was almost buried alive. The man was walking along a track when he fell into the 'hole of love' and was buried up to his head. It is thought that a brush turkey discovered the man shortly after he fell and attempted to bury him in a mating ritual. The man was stuck in the hole for awhile until someone noticed him and called emergency services. Several fire crews came to the scene and fought back laughter as they retrieved him from the hole. A wildlife ranger said that December was the frisky season for brush turkeys. Just last week signs warning people of wild turkeys were put up in the national park.

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. - A 39-year-old man legally changed his name last month to reflect his childhood nickname. The former Raymond Allen Gray Jr. shall now be known as Bubba Bubba Bubba. Since he has long been referred to as "Bubba" or "Bubby," he feels the name change won't be hard to get used to. "My dad called me Buddy, and it got switched to Bubby.
Some of the kids couldn't pronounce Buddy too well, so they said Bubby, and it just stuck," he said. Bubba had thought about changing his name to Bubba Gray until a co-worker began calling him Bubba Bubba Bubba as a joke. Another coworker mistakenly thought that was his actual name. "That's kind of what started me thinking: Well, let's just have it all the way through - Bubba Bubba Bubba - first, middle and last," he remarked.

December 3 is National Roof over Your Head Day

December 4 is Wear Brown Shoes Day

December 5 is Bathtub Party Day

December 6 is Put on your own Shoes Day

December 7 is National Cotton Candy Day

December 8 is Take it in the Ear Day

December 12 is National Ding-a-Ling Day

December 16 National Chocolate covered Anything Day

December 21 is National Flashlight Day

December 27 is Make Cut Out Snowflakes Day

AHMEDABAB, India - Physicians are reportedly baffled by an Indian holy man who claims not to have eaten or drunk anything for decades, but who is in perfect health. Prahlad Jani, who is over 70 years old, was placed under constant observation for 10 days in an Indian hospital. The hospital's deputy superintendent, Dr. Dinesh Desai, said the holy man -- or fakir -- did not consume anything and "neither did he pass urine or stool," yet he remained in good mental and physical condition. Physicians say most people can live without food for several weeks, but the average human can survive for only three to four days without water. Jani spent his 10 days in the hospital within a specially prepared room with a sealed
toilet and under constant video surveillance.

Over 100 staff had to be evacuated from the Bank of Scotland's headquarters on Edinburgh's Mound last Friday after a bomb squad was called in to detonate a chocolate Santa. The workers panicked after mistaking the string used to tie the chocolate to the Christmas tree for wiring. Before the bomb squad could blow up the chocolate Santa, the person who sent it was traced and put an end to the scare by revealing what was inside. One police officer said that the X-ray machine picked up the gold string and it looked like wiring. Everyone had a laugh when the package was opened and the chocolate Santa fell out. An employee remarked that all of the staff were jumpy and realized the need for high security.

After mating, the male garter snake from North America closes up the female's sexual opening with a plug made from kidney secretions. This is a form of chastity belt to ensure that the female is fertilized by the first male to mate with her.

The seahorse is the only creature where the male becomes pregnant. The female inserts a nipple-like appendage into the male and releases her eggs into a special pouch in his stomach. He then discharges his sperm over them and his stomach takes on the rounded shape once the eggs are fertilized.

The female bedbug has no sexual opening, so the male creates his own vagina, using his curved, pointed penis as a drill.
The male then inserts his sperm and the blood-sucking female feeds on some of it when blood is in short supply.

After the female praying mantis mates with her partner, she then eats him. The female hooks her deadly arms around him and slowly nibbles away at him during copulation. Sometimes she doesn't even wait until after sex to make him her next meal, but his sex drive is so strong that he can keep going even while being eaten.

The male swamp antechinus, a mouse-like marsupial from ustralia, is the only mammal which dies after mating. The males dedicate their lives to non-stop mating until they literally drop dead. Most of them die of starvation because they have no time to eat between sex.

It's strange enough for a convict to request a tougher sentence. However, one Danish judge received requests from two men for extended prison time, and both ventured to Denmark to get into trouble. When a visiting Scot was given ten days in jail for entering the country illegally, he asked the judge for two months behind bars to help him fight his alcoholism. A 65-year-old Swedish man also requested a jail term to last at least over Christmas on the same grounds.
The Swede, described as having 'zero personal hygiene,' has been legally banned from traveling to Denmark, but has visited there at least 100 times since the prohibition. He was sentenced to 40 days for illegal entry, and once released and sent to Malmo, he returned on the first boat to Denmark.
Neither man was given a longer sentence.

TOKYO HOTEL: Is forbidden to steal hotel towels please. If you are not a person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

BUCHAREST HOTEL: The list is being fixed for the next day.
During that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

YUGOSLAVIAN HOTEL: The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job of the chambermaid.

JAPANESE HOTEL: You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

SWISS MENU: Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

HONG KONG TAILOR SHOP: Ladies may have a fit upstairs.

BANGKOK DRY CLEANERS: Drop your trousers here for best results.

CZECH TOURIST AGENCY: Take one of our horse-driven city tours. We guarantee no miscarriages.

SWISS MOUNTAIN INN: Special today - no ice cream.

NORWEGIAN LOUNGE: Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.

BUDAPEST (HUNGARY) ZOO: Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.

JAPANESE HOTEL: Cooles and Heates: If you want just condition of warm in your room, please control yourself.

MAJORCAN SHOP: English well talking. Here speeching American.

MODESTO, Calif. - A California bank robber apparently forgot the No. 1 safety rule for wearing masks -- there simply have to be eyeholes to be successful. Bank tellers and detectives alike are still smiling at the image of the thief who walked into the Oak Valley Community Bank in Modesto this week wearing a checkered flannel cloth over his face secured by a hat. Detective Tom Blake said the man cautiously lifted a part of the cloth to see where he was walking, demanded money and began his retreat. "But he forgets which side the door hinges were on," Blake told the Modesto Bee. "He walks into the steel door frame, bangs his head into the frame and knocks his hat off. He backs up a bit, still holding onto his hood, and shuffles out the door." The thief did escape, and police are looking for a skinny man with a raspy voice, a checkered cloth, long-sleeved pink shirt, white gardening gloves and a goose-egg on his forehead.

BERLIN - Fed up with garbage-strewn streets, Berlin has devised a solution that it thinks might work - garbage cans that say thank you. Beginning next spring, the city's trash service will build electronics into some of the street-side trash cans that will let them speak or sing to the public.
"We want to encourage people in a nice, funny way to throw their trash in the baskets and not on the street," said the official, Bernd Mueller. They will be installed at heavily visited areas such as the Reichstag building. The wastebaskets will be silent after dark, however. "Some people might feel uncomfortable if these things said something to them at night," Mueller said. Instead, lights round the basket's opening will glow green. Mueller did not say how much the talking trash cans would cost or exactly how many baskets will be programmed.

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Following are a sampling of test answers and essays submitted to science and health teachers by junior high, high school and college students around the world.

1. Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

2. Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

3. The body consists of three parts- the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o, and u.

4. To prevent contraception: wear a condominium.

5. For drowning: Climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.

6. Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

7. Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.