CARSON CITY, Mich. - A married couple in Michigan has beef
moving faster than a sirloin on Oprah's dinner table. Crowds
gather around as Pete Ondrus and Barb Lambert race cows dur-
ing appearances at parades, fairs and ballparks throughout
the U.S. In an effort to promote agriculture, Ondrus and
Lambert founded the Mid-Michigan Cow Racing Association and
the World Wide Cow Racing Association. The couple claims the
bovines enjoy being ridden and are in no way harmed by the
event. So check your local listings to find out when these
fleet-footed milk-slingers are racing your way.

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THE BEAST OF TRURO - As pet cats were found slaughtered in
the Cape Cod area of Massachusettes, speculation grew as to
whether the beast was a mountain lion even though none exi-
sted in the region. Its identity remains a mystery today.

GOATMAN - Described as having the upper body of a human, the
legs of a goat and cloven hooves, Goatman has been known to
leap out on unsuspecting courting couples parked in lover's
lanes in Virginia. It is theorized that the creature was the
result of a science experiment on goats that went wrong.

THE JERSEY DEVIL - The story goes that somewhere in the wooded
Pine Barrens area of New Jersey lurks a monster with a large
horse-like head, wings and a long serpent's body. In 1951,
strange screams were heard coming from the woods, which were
said to be the cry of the Jersey Devil.

MO-MO - In the summer of 1971, two girls stopped for a picnic
near the town of Louisiana, Missouri, when a half-ape half
human emerged from some bushes and tried to break into their
car. Monster hunts in the area failed to reveal the culprit.

THE FLATHEAD LAKE MONSTER - Visitors to Flathead Lake, Montana,
have sometimes spotted something "huge and black" in the water.
A major sighting was in 1963 by Ronald Nixon who calculated the
creature to be around 25ft long. A reward was offered for the
first good photograph of the beast went unclaimed.

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As a cargo ship on a run from Buenaventura, Colombia, to Miami, Florida, pulled into port five days after setting sail, a group of stowaways came running out of their hiding place to claim their place in the Land of the Free. The only problem: the ship wasn't docking in Miami; it had mechanical problems after getting through the Panama Canal and had gone back to the nearest port -- in Colombia. "They wanted the American dream, but they only made it to Cartagena," a police spokesman said. The five "sheepish looking" men were returned to Buenaventura by bus. (Reuters) ...Naturally, they were required to ride in the luggage compartment.

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Stereo store technicians installing a car stereo in Orem, Utah, found a bag of marijuana in the customer's car and called the police. Officer Ryan Porter confronted the customer and asked if
he knew why he was called.
"The suspect hung his head and said, 'It's about the bicycle I just stole from in front of Media Play, isn't it?'," a police spokesman recounted.
"Yes, that. And?" Porter replied.
"It's about the marijuana pipe I have in my truck, right?" Porter
again replied,
"Yes, that. And?" The 19-year-old man, whose name was not
reported, said he couldn't think of anything else, so Porter reminded him about the pot in the car and cited him for all three crimes.
(Salt Lake Tribune) ...It's a good thing the guy had a bad memory or they could have been there all day.

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Police in Alpine, Calif., got a break in their investigation of vandalism at three churches -- one each Catholic, Mormon and Jehovah's Witness. Vandals had dumped ketchup around ("it looked like blood," one pastor said) and posted anti-Christian
messages and Satanic symbols for parishioners to find when they arrived for Easter morning services. "They obviously planned this because they had computer-generated signs," said the Catholic priest. The break came when a film processor developed a roll of pictures showing three boys and a girl, all 16 or 17 years old, committing the vandalism, and called police. The four teens have been charged with felony hate crimes.
(San Diego Union) ...Proving yet again that "planned" does
not necessarily mean "well thought out".

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A police officer called out to quiet down a women-only party in Jerusalem, Israel, was warmly welcomed when he knocked on their door. As soon as he stepped inside, one of the women "took off my shirt and untied my shoelaces," the officer says, and then "started stroking me and called on her friends to join in."
The women stopped only when a second officer arrived and "extricated" him. After sorting things out, the officers discovered "The women had ordered a stripper dressed as a police officer," a national police spokesman said, and assumed the officer was the call boy. No arrests were reported.
(Reuters) ...But he did get several phone numbers.

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Microsoft has unveiled its newest innovation: the iLoo. The self-contained port-a-potty includes a waterproof keyboard and screen so that a seated ...um... user can get on the Internet.
Possible add-ons include a keyboard and screen outside the door, so
the first person in the queue will have something to do while waiting. The company also says it is also in talks with toilet-paper manufacturers to get special rolls printed with addresses of interesting web sites.
"The Internet's so much a part of everyday life now that surfing on
the loo was the next natural step," said marketing manager Tracy Blacher.
"It's exciting to think that the smallest room can now be the gateway to the massive virtual world." (Seattle Post-Intelligencer)
...Suggested slogan: "When you think of crap, think Microsoft."

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LONDON - For those of you who think that the majority of
Britons are prudish and conservative, a recent survey might
have you thinking again. The study showed that two-thirds of
English residents have had sex in a car. The website
safeoutdoorsex.com polled 1,500 people and found that most
Britons are quite uninhibited when it comes to fooling around.
The study also showed that 94 percent of respondents thought
outdoor sex was a good way to maintain an exciting relation-
ship. Almost half of those surveyed admitted to have done the
wild thing in a random field. This survey gives a whole new
meaning to the term 'field study.'

This is an actual collection from medical interview records
written by various paramedics, emergency room receptionists,
and (we are afraid) a doctor or two at major hospitals...

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life
until 1989 when she got a divorce.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his
airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way
to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the
right foot.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took
a job as a stockbroker instead.

VANCOUVER, B.C. - Try to hold back the shock as you read about
some of the things people just throw away. Can you believe
someone got rid of 1900 pounds of frozen animal carcasses? And
who in their right mind would dump a hefty collection of
Braille "Playboy" magazines? These items are just a couple of
the bizarre things that the junk toters at 1-800-GOT-JUNK? have
hauled away. Other bizarre loads include one ton of expired
sardines from a Mexican grocery store, 1200 pounds of concrete
animal lawn ornaments, half a truck-full of herbal breast
enlargement pills and a bunch of prosthetic legs. Though most
items end up getting pitched, some are donated to the needy,
such as the butt massager that was given to a charity house.
With all the prosthetics they get, they'll be glad to give
someone a hand.
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