** (around a picture of dandelions) I Fought the Lawn and theLawn Won
** My Wife Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips
** I Just Do What The Voices Inside My Head Tell Me To Do
** (Worn by a pregnant woman) A Man Did This To Me, Oprah
** Senior Citizen: Just Give Me My Discount
** Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes,Seeks Frog
** I Used To Be Schizophrenic, But We're OK Now
** I Didn't Climb to the Top of the Food Chain to Be a Vegetarian
** Liberal Arts Major...Will Think For Money
** IRS -- Be Audit You Can Be
** Gravity...It's Not Just a Good Idea. It's the Law.
** If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In the Kitchen

Driving School: Real answers received on exams given by the
California Department of Transportation's driving school:

Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.

Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a fourway stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."

Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.

Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.

Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.

Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.

MONTREAL - A Montreal housecat beat out former pro players and sports analysts in the Montreal Gazette's NFL pool, the newspaper reported Friday. Miss Kallie, an 11-year-old brown tabby outwitted 11 humans, including radio and television sports broadcasters, two Gazette sportswriters and two former professional football players, to win the pool, which appeared weekly in the newspaper's sports section. Miss Kallie's winning record: 101 wins, 82 losses and nine ties. Her average was .552. Before each game, her owners would hold up slips of paper bearing the names of the competing teams. They would encourage the cat to sniff one of the pieces of paper. Her owners found her to be very species-loyal, often picking the Bengals, Lions, Jaguars and Panthers. She also frequently demonstrated an interest in possible sources of food: the Ravens, Seahawks and Eagles.

SANTA FE, N.M. - A couple returned home from a week-long vacation to an unpleasant surprise: the legs of a dead man dangling from their ceiling. Police identified the man as Carl Smith, 81, and he was the ex-husband of the woman who lived in the home. "He was stuck in an air conditioner duct," said Trish Ahrensfield, a spokeswoman for the Albuquerque police. Police said it seems the man was attempting to break into the home via the roof and died while trying to enter through the air conditioner duct. The couple said their house was cold when they returned and they went to the bathroom to check if the heater had been turned off. When they looked at the ceiling, they saw the legs hanging down.

A book-loving pack rat tried to squeeze even more tomes into his tiny New York City apartment and ended up buried under an avalanche of books, magazines and other stuff. "I was hollering for two days, 'Let me out! Let me out!'" Patrice Moore tells the New York Post. The 42-year-old former mail room clerk was trapped under his possessions for two days.
His screaming finally alerted the landlord but despite breaking the door down, the avalanche kept rescuers from opening the door. Even after the landlord removed the door from its hinges it took three hours to dig out the man. Moore says he collects books and magazines and peddles them back on the street for about $300 a week.

January is . . . .
National Careers in Cosmetology Month, National Fiber Focus Month,
Prune Breakfast Month

January 2 is . . . . .Run Up the Flagpole and See if Anybody Salutes It Day

January 3 is . . . . .Festival of Sleep Day

January 4 is . . . . .Humiliation Day

January 6 is . . . . .Bean Day

January 9 is . . . . .Play God Day

January 10 is . . . . Peculiar People Day

January 13 is . . . . Blame Someone Else Day

January 18 is . . . . Winnie the Pooh Day

January 19 is . . . . National Popcorn Day

January 21 is . . . . National Hugging Day

January 23 is . . . . National Handwriting Day

January 25 is . . . . Opposite Day

January 27 is . . . . Thomas Crapper Day

January 28 is . . . . National Kazoo Day

January 30 is . . . . Escape Day

CORONA, Calif. - In an attempt to fight pornography, Pastor Craig Gross - who runs an anti-porn website called xxxchurch.com - has created the world's first anti-porn TV commercial. The 30-second commercial details the adventures of a midget named Eddie with the moral being "porn stunts growth." Although it isn't politically correct, Gross says that these days even the Lord must use the "Jackass" mentality to get His message across to the young men most likely to become addicted to porn. Gross insists that he asked Eddie for his input before filming and the midget said he had done more degrading things. The anti-porn ad has run in Southern California on shows like "Howard Stern" and "The Man Show." Gross hopes that anti-porn advocates will pay to have it air in other areas of the U.S.

ROME - In an attempt to get his ex-girlfriend to feel sorry for him, a Sicily man asked a friend to shoot him in the groin. Police in the city of Piazza Armerina sensed something fishy when the 27-year-old went to the hospital with wounds from a hunting rifle's pellets in his crotch. He said that the wounds were a result of a hunting accident, but later admitted he had asked his friend, 16, to shoot him in an attempt to win back his girlfriend, who had left him because of his violent character. The man's wounds are expected to heal. Police charged the man, and the 16-year-old, in connection with the shooting. Reports reveal that the man's ex-girlfriend made it clear she never wanted to see him again.

BERLIN - Germany has quietly accelerated an old tool in its fight against chronic unemployment -- coax the unemployed into not looking for work. Under the plan, run by Germany's Federal Labor Office, a jobless person signs a document saying he or she no longer seeks work and, in exchange for thus helping lower the country's double-digit unemployment rate, gets unemployment benefits until their pension kicks in.
While the government denies it is accelerating the program, a source said officials recently sent a memo to the country's job centers setting a goal of 75 percent of all unemployed over 58 to sign on. Despite the denials, there has been a sudden rise in participation. Since September, 373,100 workers have signed the document, up 20 percent from the year earlier figure. Analysts expect the number of jobless to top five million this winter.

On Julie Andrews: "Working with her is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's card." -Christopher Plummer

On Richard Gere: "I'm always trying to find diplomatic ways to talk about Richard and the movie 'An Officer and a Gentleman.' I liked him before we started but that is the last time I can remember talking to him." -Debra Winger

On Marilyn Monroe: "It's like kissing Hitler." -Tony Curtis

On Esther Williams: "Wet she's a star. Dry, she ain't."
-Fanny Brice

On Jayne Mansfield: "Dramatic art in her opinion is knowing how to fill a sweater." -Bette Davis

On Rex Harrison: "The most brilliant actor that I have ever worked with. I've liked others very much more." -Anna Neagle.

On Margaret O'Brien: "If that child had been born in the Middle Ages, she'd have been burned as a witch." -Lionel Barrymore

On Marlon Brando: "He has preserved the mentality of an adolescent. When he doesn't try and someone's speaking to him, it's like a blank wall. In fact it's even less interesting because behind a blank wall you can always suppose that there's something interesting there." -Burt Reynolds