In a Belgrade elevator: To move the cabin, push button for wishing floor. If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number of wishing floor. Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

A doctor's office in Rome: Specialist in women and other diseases.

On a menu of a Polish hotel: Salad a firm's own make; limpid red beer soup with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef rashers beaten up in the country people's fashion.

A Finnish hotel's instructions in case of fire: If you are unable to leave your room, expose yourself in the window.

Ad for donkey rides in Thailand: Would you like to ride your own ass?

In a Czech tourist agency: Take one of our horse driven tours - we guarantee no miscarriages.

A temple in Bangkok: It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if dressed like a man.

Car rental brochure in Tokyo: When passenger of foot heave in sight, tootle the horn. Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Safety Expert Says School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted

Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case

Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

Farmer Bill Dies in House

Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarians Take Over

Eye Drops Off Shelf

Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead

Stolen Painting Found By Tree

Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved Ones

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge

New Study of Obesity Looks For Larger Test Group

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

BERLIN - The peace in Berlin has been disturbed by a German couple who set up a loudspeaker and timer with the sound of a crowing cock to blast their neighbors every morning. However, the couple didn't have to listen to the daily crowing because they went on vacation! After receiving complaints, police obtained a warrant to enter the house and found the gear with the speakers aimed at the neighbors and rigged to a timer. "The apparatus switched on between 2 and 4 o'clock in the morning and produced a cock crowing at an enormous volume. This would last for 20 minutes with breaks in between," police said. When the couple returns home, they'll find their equipment gone and that a charge of bodily harm and disturbing the peace has been issued to them.

You can never depend on the postal service to deliver anything on time. A German postal staff, however, has seen to it that a postcard addressed to Adolf Hitler has arrived at its destination, despite the Nazi leader being dead for 60 years. The postcard, sent from England, was addressed to "Fuehrer Adolf Hitler, Reichstag, German Parliament, Berlin, Germany", from an undisclosed address. Deutsche Post wrote on the card that the address was wrong and the sender should be informed. The letter was stamped with, "Mail corrected due to insufficient address - please alert sender. Ascertained address: Deutsche Bundestag, 11011 Berlin." The post office claims the delivery of the postcard is evidence of the service's good work.

[From MAD Magazine]

Occult-Vegetarian-Ambidextrous-Truck-driving Republican juggler wishes to meet woman of similar interests.

Undercover Espionage Agent - 29 - would like to meet nice woman 18-30 for romantic, lasting relationship. Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

Handsom, but not wealthy gentleman can only afford a 5 line personal add. I'm a smart good-looking nice guy who'd like to meet pretty, sensitive woman. call me at...

Idiots need love too - If you enjoy walking into movies after they've started, throwing out good furniture and locking your friends in closets, we already have three things in common! Let's get together and find out how many other
negative personality traits we share.

Financially Unstable Man - I owe everyone money. If you're not one of my creditors, I'd like to meet you. Send phone, mine was repossessed.

Compulsive Liar - Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar chateau on the French Riveria.

Man, Nonsmoking, Nondrinking, Noneating, Nonbreathing. Actually, I'm dead. I need someone to bury me.

Seeks SWF to tell me what SWF means.

Large Woman Seeks Larger Man - So I will look smaller in comparison. Photos a must.

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in Mary and still smelled pretty good. However, they were starting to smell, which is why brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor.

Baths consisted of a big tub of hot water. The man of the house had the nice clean water, then, all the other sons and men, then the women and, finally, the children. By then, the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it - hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bathwater."

Houses had thatched roofs - thick straw, piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the dogs, cats, and other small animals lived in the roof. When it rained, it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slide off the roof. Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. Bugs and other droppings could really mess up your clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came into existence.

Sometimes folks could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could "bring home the bacon."

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with a high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning and death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or "upper crust."

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey. The combination would sometimes knock people out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. The person would be laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would
gather around and wait to see if he or she would wake up - hence the custom of holding a "wake."

A couple of San Francisco teenagers thought the perfect present for one of their girlfriends would be a pair of koala bears. The duo visited the San Francisco Zoo afterhours and snatched the creatures. Unfortunately, the girl
didn't find the snarling pets to be charming and the boys had to bring the koalas back to one of their homes. They put the koalas in a tub filled with carrots, oranges and leaves, but the malnourished marsupials started to die.
Acting on an anonymous tip, authorities busted the teens.

After stealing hedgehogs from a pet store in Loveland, Colorado, Raymond Martin, 18, and Wayne Ballew, 19, spent the next few months trying to unload six of the hedgehogs. However, disaster struck when Martin was pulled over for speeding and the police found a box containing the vermin. Martin gave in during questioning, admitting to the hedgehog heist and ratting out his friend. "The moral is: Don’t take stolen hedgehogs out for a late-night ride and speed," said police Lt. Al Sharon.

It's not uncommon to steal a few things from the office every so often. However, it is a problem if you're a coroner's assistant. Jurek Ladziak's line of work allowed him to obtain a collection that included a skull, body parts
and a number of ID cards of the dead. After Ladziak assembled his work, he decorated his warehouse-apartment to resemble a warehouse-morgue. Someone tipped off police to his dungeon of death, and Ludziak was hauled in on charges of possession of stolen property.

Dog owner Mrs. Hollis Sharpe was taking her poodle, Jonathan, for an evening walk in Los Angeles when she was jumped from behind. The mugger grabbed Sharpe's plastic bag and shoved her to the ground so hard that she broke her arm. He then took off with his prize: a big bag of dog poop. "I wish there had been a little more in the bag," said a charitable Sharpe.

Toilet troubles hit NYC residents in 1991 when a felon made off with 109 toilet bowl handles. The crafty thief even separated a handle from the toilet just down the hall from then-mayor David Dinkins' office in City Hall. Here's hoping the robber wasn't hoping to make much off the handles. "There’s a little brass in there," noted Lisa Ryan, then-spokesperson for the New York City Department of General Services. "Maybe he’s refurbishing and reselling them-I don’t know why anyone would want them."

Missouri man Michael Marcum, stole six 350-pound electrical transformers from a power company in January 1995. His motive? To construct a time machine so he could send himself a few days into the future, find out the winning lottery numbers and then come back to buy the matching tickets. Police discovered one of the transformers during a search of Marcum's home on an unrelated vandalism investigation. The cops noticed that Marcum had plugged one of the transformers into his fuse box. An antenna was attached to the top, with a visible electrical current arcing from one rabbit ear to
the other.

March 1 is National Pig Day and Peanut Butter Lover's Day

March 4 is Holy Experiment Day

March 10 is Festival Of Life In The Cracks Day

March 12 is Alfred Hitchcock Day

March 15 is Buzzard's Day and Everything You Think Is Wrong Day

March 18 is Supreme Sacrifice Day

March 22 is National Goof-off Day

March 27 is National "Joe" Day

March 28 is Something On A Stick Day

March 30 is I Am In Control Day

[For the rest of the list, go to http://www.bizarrenews.com]

PITTSBURGH, Pa. - How do you explain this one to your parents? A 17-year-old girl was engaging in some obviously bizarre "bedroom activities" when she was accidentally shot by her boyfriend. She was wounded in the groin when she received a bullet from the .45-caliber handgun and had to be taken to the hospital. Her boyfriend, Timothy Madden, 23, was charged with aggravated assault, reckless endangerment and corruption of a minor. The incident occurred on Sunday afternoon at Madden's apartment. "They were engaged in some bizarre activities in his bedroom," Ross senior detective and public information officer William Barrett said. "The gun, we believe, accidentally discharged."

Rowel: the revolving star on the back of a cowboy's spurs

Columella: the bottom part of the nose that separates the nostrils

Saddle: the rounded part on the top of a book of matches

Ophyron: the space between your eyebrows

Rasceta: the creases on the inside of your wrist

Purlicue: the space between the extended thumb and index finger

Nittles: the punctuation marks designed to denote swear words in comics

Ferrule: the metal band on the top of a pencil that holds the eraser in place

Peen: on a hammer, the end opposite the striking face

Obdormition: when an arm or a leg "goes to sleep" as a result of numbness caused by pressure on a nerve

Keeper: the loop on a belt that holds the end in place after it has passed through the buckle

Armsate: the hole in a shirt or a sweater through which you put your hand and arm

[I know there've been newspaper headlines before, but these are really wired!]

• Cause of AIDS Found - Scientists
• Doctor Testifies in Horse Suit
• City May Impose Mandatory Time for Prostitution
• Enraged Cow Injures Farmer With Axe
• Grandmother of Eight Makes Hole in One
• Kicking Baby Considered to Be Healthy
• Why You Want Sex Changes With Age
• Boys Cause As Many Pregnancies As Girls
• Cemetery Allows People to be Buried by Their Pets
• Man Held Over Giant L.A. Brush Fire
• Antique Stripper to Demonstrate Wares at Store
• Sudden Rush to Help People Out of Work
• Deadline Passes for Striking Police

As George Appel was being strapped into the electric chair, he said to the witnesses, "Well, folks, you'll soon see a baked Appel."

Before Thomas Grasso was given his lethal injection, he complained, "I did not get my SpaghettiOs, I got spaghetti. I want the press to know this."

Sir Walter Raleigh said, "So the heart be right, it is no matter which way the head lieth." And then he was beheaded.

On his way to the chair, James French said to a newspaper reporter," I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: 'French Fries.'"

Francis Crowley remarked "You sons of bitches. Give my love to Mother." Then he was electrocuted.

Just before being hanged, Neville Heath's last request was for a whiskey. "In the circumstances," he added, "you might make that a double."

Said Johnny Frank Garrett before being lethally injected: "I'd like to thank my family for loving me and taking care of me. And the rest of the world can kiss my ass."

Erskine Childers called out to the firing squad, "Take a step forward, lads. It will be easier that way."

Jimmy Glass said, "I'd rather be fishing." Then he was electrocuted.

As British serial killer Dr. William Palmer stood on the gallows, he asked the officials, "Are you sure this thing is safe?"